Finding agape.

a⋅ga⋅pe [ah-gah-pey, ah-guh-pey, aguh]
–noun, plural
-Unselfish Love

For the first time in my life,  I know this.  I have looked for the ultimate love.  I thought I would find it thru the opposite sex, I thought I would find it in my friends.  But I found it from within.  The place where God dwells, the heart.

It wasnt till after I learned solitude (I have always been alone, but never in solitude), silence (I have known places of no sound or talk, but never silence) and prayer (I have known foxhole prayers, wants, desires, wishes, but not true communion in prayer); that I found agape.  After a period of searching within, quieting myself, I found true love and acceptance.  My heart beats in an unceasing prayer for Love and Mercy thru Jesus.

Solitude was the first lesson I had to learn.  I have always felt like I was alone, a loner, out cast, unwanted, rejected by my peers.  But thru all this loneliness I did not know solitude.  After I worked thru my character defects, and really looked at them and saw what my role was in my life and in how people reacted and treated me, that I was able to quiet myself down and actually sit in solitude.  Alone, or with someone, I can find solitude.  It’s that place where you feel comfortable with yourself.  It’s a little voice that says “its ok to be me”.  At that point, I could actually feel myself and be comfortable.  It wasnt, “what do they think of me”, “am I handsome enough”, “am I thin enough”, “do I have enough money”.  It was “I am ok, I am ok to be me. Hello friend”, that I was able to find solitude.  Not to have all my peers defining me, but me defining myself.

After I found solitude, I was able to find silence.  I was able to remove the bombarding of words that are all around us.  I was able to not want to have the TV on or constant music.  I found it easy to sit in silence, to drive without sound.  To quiet my mind.  Just think about it, we are constantly walking thru a dictionary, words on the radio/TV, billboards, signs, people talking etc.  It’s like the world is one big dictionary, words all around us.  But thru solitude I was able to find silence, to stop hearing and seeing all these words, to listen to my own heart.  My mind stopped trying to figure “it” all out.

All this started with a simple prayer “Jesus, please come to my heart, fill me with your Love and Mercy”.  It became my mantra.  When I put my seatbelt on, “Jesus, please come to my heart”.  In a sigh, “Jesus fill my heart with your love”.  When I feel frustration, “Jesus, have mercy on me”  It became automatic.  I didnt have to think about it, it was as if, once I was experiencing silence and solitude, my heart beat these words.  It came from within, the place were God dwells in each of us.  We always seem to be looking up or around us for God, but all we need to do is to stop.  Just STOP, and listen and he is there, just waiting to be heard.


Job 42:5

“I had heard of you by word of mouth, but now my eyes has seen you”


~ by Polish Jedi on September 9, 2009.

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